Joining the Nuclear Club

Posted on 12. Aug, 2009 by Malcolm in Humour Articles

With several countries recently completing tests and threatening nuclear weapons development there is growing pressure on existing ‘official’ nuclear countries.  It’s an elite ‘club’, and new applicants must complete the Club’s entry survey before being given membership.

Q1. Have you recently conducted nuclear tests?

a) Maybe

b) Sort of, I suppose

c) Yes, we are now a nuclear power and demand all the privileges that that entails

d) Define ‘nuclear tests’?

Q2. Do you know what plutonium is?

a) A bit like platinum?

b) No

c) Do I need to know?

d) Yes, it is the substance that will make our country rich, powerful, and feared. Isn’t it?

Q3. Do you have stockpiles of plutonium?

a) Only a little bit in my garage.

b) Yes thanks, we’ll call you if we run short.

c) Yes, available at all our corner stores, 24/7.

d) No, but I’m sure we can borrow some from the terrosists organization that live here.

Q4. If you do have plutonium, where did you get it from?

a) Mail order catalogue

b) A man wearing an expensive, well cut suit

c) World Bank

d) CIA

e) Walmart

f) Pluto

g) Facebook

Q5. Why did you conduct nuclear tests?

a) Do not get on with my neighbouring country

b) Do not get on with any country

c) It is very fashionable these days

d) My party is losing at the electoral polls

e) It’s a bit risky and boring using our money to just feed our poor

Q6. Are you …

a) An economic powerhouse?

b) A fledgling, poverty stricken country with a rapidly growing population?

c) A friend of the other Nuclear club countries?

d) A terrorist organization cleverly disguised as a country?

Q7. How would you best describe the current members of the Nuclear Club?

a) Selfish

b) Scared

c) They don’t really care what we do but feel they must be seen to be protesting in some manner to appease the voters in their own countries

d) The most wonderful, open-minded countries in the world who would really love any gifts or money we give them, should, by chance, they grant us entry into the club, not that we would ever try to influence their decision, of course. No, really.

Q8. What will you do now that you have the capacity to develop nuclear weapons?

a) Nothing … honest.

b) Drop a bomb on a major capital city.

c) Feed the millions who are starving in our own country (just kidding).

d) May go to war with someone, but nothing too fancy.

Q9. Where would you keep ‘weapons of mass destruction’?

a) In our Weapons of Mass Destruction cupboard, out the back.

b) They are cleverly disguised as farm animals.

c) Sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

d) Is this information being recorded?

Q10. Have you conducted studies to determine the after-effects of a nearby nuclear blast on your own country’s climate, agriculture and water supply?

a) What?

b) Why?

c) We don’t have money for that in the budget, but it sounds like a really good idea.

d) Why bother? We will be living underground for a few years in that case, on wine, canned goods and lots of candles. Some books perhaps. And a chess set. Well, some of us will.

e) We thought other countries would pitch in and give us their studies.

Q11. What do you think of land mines?

a) Kids stuff

b) Great, so long as they are not in our major urban centres.

c) Ban them, they only lead to an escalation of weapons development and you don’t want half-crazed countries running around with nuclear arms, do you? Do you?

d) A landmine dropped on our enemy is unlikely to make much of an impact, is it?

Q12. How will you cope if economic sanctions are placed on your country?

a) We will drop a bomb or two as soon as we can.

b) Should be fine, it will only affect the poor and they don’t really matter, do they.

c) We will publicly state where our technology came from.

d) Personally, I will probably be living in the south of France so I shouldn’t be too badly affected thanks.

Q13. Is the world doomed to self-destruct with nuclear weapons?

a) Better a bang than a whimper.

b) You don’t call McDonalds, Soap Opera’s, Reality TV and the ‘National Enquirer’ self destruction?

c) Possibly, but then it might be a better place.

d) If it is we would like to play a part in shaping history.

Q14. How would you feel if United Nations Arms Inspectors visited your country?

a) We would feel hurt that you do not trust us.

b) No problem, they can inspect our legs too if they like.

c) You mean they’ve finished visiting Iraq?

d) We have nothing to hide, but let us know way in advance anyway.

Q15. Club membership has its privileges. Place check beside the following privileges that you will be using.

a) Air miles.

b) Free use of the Nuclear Club Squash Courts.

c) Free tote bag.

d) Free subscription to TIME.

e) Protector of the Free World Pendant.

That completes the survey. Please sign your form, place in the attached self-addressed envelope, and send to us along with any other relevant material or documentation (e.g., Swiss Bank account numbers, precious metals, ancient artefacts etc). Thank you for your interest in joining our club. we look forward to trading more technology with you.

A Marathon Odyssey Book Review comments

Posted on 10. Aug, 2009 by Malcolm in Book Shop

“Malcolm’s enthusiasm for running is infectious and there were several occasions while I was reading the book when I felt compelled to don my running gear and brave the great outdoors even though the weather conditions were appalling. A Marathon Odyssey is a thoroughly good read and should appeal to runners and non-runners alike. It is a book that testifies that everything is possible if one has the ambition and resolution to pursue a dream. I really enjoyed the book. Indeed, I wouldn’t have read it as quickly if I hadn’t found it totally absorbingâ€

Jack Brooks (Secretary, 100 Marathon Club, United Kingdom; The Running Club for runners who have run 100 marathons or more.

“A Marathon Odyssey†will surely inspire runners across the world, from those new to the event to established, experienced marathon enthusiasts. Its blend of well researched history combined with personal accounts of Malcolm’s introduction and progression to experienced marathon runner make this a thoroughly enjoyable book. A must for anyone contemplating the 26.2 miles, those already hooked on the event, and anyone interested in marathons and running in general.â€

Scott Umpleby (Race Director of Brathay Windermere Marathon, and 10 Marathons in 10 Days Challenge, United Kingdom)

“Malcolm Anderson creates for himself a worthy quest and sets about methodically building toward it. In what in less skilled hands could be a dull retelling of workouts run and benchmarks accomplished, A MARATHON ODYSSEY comes alive under Malcolm’s care due in large part to his constant sense of humor and his clean, clear writing style. Coming out the other end of his noble quest, Malcolm is quick to acknowledge that his is far from the only odyssey being completed on the roads to and from Marathonâ€

Rich Benyo (Editor of Marathon & Beyond, and author of 18 books on running, health and fitness)

“It is a great idea to weave reflections on the history and culture of running around the motif of a journey to several races, and Malcolm Anderson’s writing is always lucid and enjoyable.”

Roger Robinson (author of Running in Literature, and co-author, with Kathrine Switzer, of 26.2 Marathon Stories).

I’m a “non-avid†reader, but I had available time to start reading this exciting book on a Saturday afternoon and finished reading all 394 pages by the next evening!!! As a non-runner who has attended more than 300 marathons to be a volunteer or support person, I want to add that Malcolm gave us a book that I “couldn’t put down†until I had read every page!!

Lenore Dolphin, North American 100 Marathon Club

Cayman Islands Marathon Experience Reviews

Posted on 10. Aug, 2009 by Malcolm in Book Shop

“It’s a great read. I myself was surprisingly (for me) motivated by it and I started my running in the gym this week. I’m so proud of myself because I ran for 10 minutes non-stop this morning on the treadmill!! I know that’s nothing for an ultra-marathoner such as yourself but for me it’s a big accomplishment!”

“Thank you SO much for those lovely books! They are just incredible and you did a wonderful job of capturing the event. The stories and photos provide an exceptional perspective on the whole experience – you really captured it!”

“Read about half your book so far…….fantastic!!! Makes me want to take up running. Seriously.”

“Your book looks great! Started I really like the layout and the construction. Your writings are humorous but factual, current mixed with historic and I felt it read very easy. I actually feel I have learned things I only partially knew about marathon history.”

“I received the book this morning, Thank You so much. I read it all today. Really great job! It is very inspirational, makes me look forward to getting out again. I have finally got rid of my bronchitis, after 4 months, and my foot is feeling great. I particularly liked the runners comments on the race and their varied and very interesting backgrounds. You also did a great job of describing the history and the beginnings of the marathon race, as well as the history of the Cayman Islands. Lots of humour sprinkled within the text, I liked that.”

Chapter 1 of the book 'The Cayman Islands Marathon Experience'

Posted on 10. Aug, 2009 by Malcolm in Book Shop

Chapter 1 – Introduction

This book is about the 2006 Cayman Islands Marathon experience. It’s a book built around the experiences and stories – the direct words – of the runners, family and friends, volunteers and race organizers.

The marathon distance is 26 miles and 385 yards (42.2 kilometres). That’s a long way. Especially at the End.

The Half Marathon distance is also a long distance. Don’t be fooled by the ‘half’ – it is still 13 miles and 192.5 yards (21.097.5 meters). For some runners the half-marathon is their favourite distance. It’s long enough to be a serious challenge if you haven’t run before, although it doesn’t require the same level of training as that for a full marathon.

In a marathon event there is sometimes another option – a relay race over the marathon distance. Here, teams of 4 runners run the marathon. There are less miles to cover for each runner, but still a lot of energy expended on the course.

Running a marathon is not something you just ‘decide to do’ the night before a race. It takes training, patience and commitment. It requires physical endurance and mental tenacity. It requires good shoes. To finish a marathon is a true accomplishment. For many people it is life changing. It’s an amazing feeling to complete a marathon and have a finishers medal placed over your head as you cross the line.

On the morning of Sunday 3rd December 2006, 48 runners completed the Cayman Islands marathon and another 214 finished the half-marathon. In addition, 31 Relay Teams competed with one another. Close to 400 people ran that day. There were runners from the Cayman Islands, the United Kingdom, Europe, Canada, United States, South Africa, New Zealand and Australia. Organizers worked around the clock to ensure everything was in place to create a memorable experience for everyone. Over 200 volunteers helped them make it happen.

It was a festive occasion celebrating friendships, achievements and the attainment of personal goals at many different levels.

Above all else it was a lot fun.

In 1896 the winner of the first modern day Olympic marathon finished in a time of just under 3 hours (2:58.50). The course was approximately 25 miles from the Village of Marathon into Athens, Greece. Hence the name of the race – ‘Marathon’.

One hundred and ten years later, over a distance of 26.2 miles (the now standard marathon distance), and on the other side of the world, the winner of the Cayman Islands marathon finished in a time of just over 3 hours (3:06:17).

Marathon running has come a long way in 110 years.

The Cayman Islands

The Cayman Islands are located in the western Caribbean about 150 miles south of Cuba and 480 miles south of Maimi. The islands are low lying and surrounded by coral reefs.

Total land area of the islands is only 100 square miles. The largest island – Grand Cayman – is about 22 miles long and eight miles at its maximum width.

It’s a 70-minute flight to the Cayman Islands from Maimi. As one travel book notes “The Cayman Islands are a stress-free haven, framed by deep blue skies, twinkling sea and golden sandâ€.

It is a tropical paradise. And not a bad place to go for a run.

Thousands of people run marathons every year. Over 800 marathons are run somewhere around the world annually. What makes the Cayman Islands marathon attractive to many people is that they can combine a vacation with running. It’s a perfect example of a Destination Marathon. If you love travelling and enjoy running, the Cayman Islands marathon may be the experience for you.

But the weekend isn’t just about visitors coming to the Cayman Islands to run a marathon. There are many local runners also competing. There is, in fact, a vibrant running community in the Caymans.

Our story of the Cayman Islands marathon experience starts with information about marathons in general. What are they? Why do people run them? What do they do to us? And who runs marathons? It turns out – as we’ll see later in the book – that all sorts of people run marathons.

As context is always important, the book also devotes a few pages to the Cayman Islands – its history and current context. Most of the book, however, describes the Cayman Islands marathon experience – the race history, the organization and logistics involved in setting it up, and the experiences of the runners and volunteers on the day. The book finishes with a brief look at other attractions in the Cayman Islands. This is a Destination Marathon after all.

As author, I’ve tried to weave the weekend together based on interviews, and the stories and photographs sent to me by runners, friends and volunteers. I hope this integration of stories and narrative makes this an interesting book to read.

And so at 5am, filled with a range of emotions and preparedness, the runners set off in the humid Caribbean darkness from the Breezes by the Bay intersection in Georgetown. By the end of the morning it was all over, but the memories will remain for years to come.

What’s so special about running a marathon?

Our fuel for running is carbohydrates. The human body typically has enough carbohydrates to endure a distance of 32 kilometres. The marathon distance is 42 kilometres, leaving us with 10 kilometres (6 miles) of what Tim Noakes in The Lore of Running calls the ‘physical no-man’s-land’.

This is where the challenges come from the marathon distance. It’s where training is essential. Tim Noakes describes it this way:

“It is at that stage, as the limits to human running endurance are approached, that the marathon ceases to be a physical event. It is there that you, the runner, discover the basis for the ancient proverb: “When you have gone so far that you cannot manage one more step, then you have gone half the distance that you are capable of.â€It is there that you learn something about yourself and your view of life. Marathon runners have termed it the wall.â€

You will take somewhere between 30,000 and 50,000 steps to run a marathon. Over that period carbohydrates, which are found as glycogen in the muscles and liver and as glucose in the blood, get used up. Your muscles get their energy from the glucose and the glycogen. You hit the wall, or ‘bonk’, when the glycogen levels become depleted. With no ‘fuel’ left the body then resorts to using slower-burning fats. You’ll notice a substantial change in your running speed and it is here that the mind faces the challenges. It is this that makes the marathon what it is.

But with proper training your body can improve the way it burns its fuel and it can push the wall further and further out – ideally enabling it to avoid hitting the wall completely.

Read Chapter 2 – Why run

The Comrades Ultra

Posted on 10. Aug, 2009 by Malcolm in Uncategorized

It’s billed as the greatest race on earth. The ultimate challenge; It will define you. At 89.3km (56 miles), with relentless monster hills it defines many things. There are no comparable hills in eastern Ontario. A former Boston marathon winner said of the Comrades run recently “I didn’t realize how much a race could reveal to me. Of me. Some races are humbling. This stripped me bareâ€.

The course runs between Pietermaritzburg and Durban in the KwaZulu-Natal region of South Africa. The direction changes each year. This year it was the “down run†from Pietermaritzburg to Durban.

I’ve heard a lot about the race over the past few months from runners I’ve been interviewing for books I’m writing on marathons. If they hadn’t already run Comrades, they’d list it as one they’d most like to do in the near future.

To truly understand Comrades I felt I had to run it. I’ve run a few marathons (42.2 km distance) recently and thought I might have enough to get me through Comrades so long as I ran smart.

A friend – Martin Woock, a South African now living in the Kingston area, got me in contact with friends of his in South Africa. Gavin picked me up on the Friday morning and I immediately began my Comrades immersion. The race was to be held on the Sunday. Gavin and his brother Alan were both running Comrades this year. This would be Gavin’s 7^th run and Alan’s 3^rd.

Gavin and I complete final race registration at the Comrades Expo and quickly pass through the dozens of booths promoting or selling a variety of running related products or services. Thousands of runners, friends and family members soak in the atmosphere, enjoying the festivities and, like me perhaps, getting increasingly nervous about the oncoming day.

We head to Rovers Rugby club and I go for a light 5km run with Kevin, a mate of Gavin’s who has also run Comrades. I listen and learn. We return and a have a few drinks with other friends, talking about Comrades and rugby, among many other important things.

The Comrades race holds a special place in the hearts and minds of South Africans. It is much more than a run. It is about tradition, overcoming obstacles, commitment, goal setting and accomplishment. To run Comrades is to put yourself on the line, to look deeply, to push your limits and to find new ones. It commands respect. It can hurt you too. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

Saturday morning. After a restless night, Gavin, his partner Fiona, and I head to Pietermaritzburg along the Comrades course. After just 20kms Fiona notices I’ve got pretty quiet in the backseat. It’s no wonder. Now seeing the course – the huge hills especially, I’m thinking I’ve made a big mistake.

We meet Alan midway for lunch at the Tala Game Reserve. We talk some more about Comrades. I’m looking for any advice that will help me beat the monster coming. We drive around the reserve passing Rhinos, Hippos, Giraffes, Buffalo, Springboks, Warthogs and Wildebeest. Wisely, I think, they won’t be running Comrades tomorrow.

We drive back onto the route and I return to my earlier state of shock. We get to Alan’s home and I meet Dawn – Alan’s wife, and the rest of their family. Dawn is more pumped up about Comrades than the rest of us combined. She has run it in other years but can’t run it this year due to an injury. There is lots of laughing, comments about feeling strong, and the role of Vaseline. Great build up.

We go to the Natal Carboneers Running Club which is hosting a Pasta Party. This is a tradition of all marathons – eating pasta the night before the run to load up on Carbohydrates that will provide some much needed fuel for the race. Runners from all over South Africa are present. There is a buzz. There is already a celebration of comraderie, friendship and good health.

We return early to Alan and Dawn’s to get our gear ready for the morning. We’re still laughing. Nervous energy perhaps.

Race Day: 3:45am. A deep sigh. This is it. No matter what happens, I’ll do the best I can. I have no idea if that will be enough.  A hearty oatmeal breakfast, a cup of coffee and we’re out the door.

There’s a festive air at the Start line. It’s a cool 5 degrees and dark. Hand-shakes and much well-wishing. Many runners wear light jackets or plastics bags that they’ll discard along the route as the day warms up. African music flows through the air, and then, as the start-time gets closer, the Chariots of Fire soundtrack plays, as it does every year. Another tradition, a loud cockle-doodle-doo, comes over the loudspeakers and then the cannon shot. We’re off.

Gavin has a race strategy that see’s us finishing with a 10:30 time. He knows how to run Comrades. My own strategy is simple. Stick with Gavin for as long as I can. Hopefully that will be enough to give me a fighting chance of finishing in time. It’s a 50/50 chance at best. Alan meanwhile, has his own race strategy. For all of us there are different strategies to achieve a common goal.

Soon after the start, Gavin and I are running together with Alan slightly behind.  I don’t see Alan again until after the race. The roads are already lined with spectators. Further along the course many of them are setting up tents, chairs and barbeques as they prepare to make a day of it. As it does every year, the race is also being televised live across the country.

We start with a long and gradual climb out of Pietermaritzburg. We pass markers showing the distances left to run. A spectacular sunrise casts an orange glaze over the valleys below us, as by now we have climbed out of Pietermaritzburg. Gavin and I are running at a good pace. We intersperse this with short walking ‘breaks’ – these give our legs valuable respite which will be important for later in the race.

We run pass cheering school children from the Ethembeni Home. These children are physically disabled and line the road enthusiastically, some on crutches or in wheelchairs. In other years, Gavin tells me, they may be watching from their beds placed along the road. These are emotional and spiritual moments for the runners.

We’re closing in on half-way now. Half-way. 45km. I’ve never run more than 42.2 km before. The rest of the race will be an adventure into the unknown. My left calf starts throwing wobbly spasms. Not good. I tell Gavin to carry on and I’ll catch-up, but I know it’s unlikely. He probably realises that too. I won’t see Gavin until after the race. He run’s a ‘blinder’, finishing in a sub 10-hour time.

I walk for a bit. Then as I start running again my right calf throws a wobbly. I walk some more. I’m now at the foot of the notorius ‘Inchanga’. Hardly anyone is running up this hill. I’m now getting cramps and feeling thirsty at the same time. The high sun is starting to take its toll. I take an electrolyte pill hoping it may restore some balance. I still have 44km to run. My legs are threatening to call it a day.

I spend the next hour mixing walking with running. I take a painkiller. I must keep moving because there is a bus further back on the route picking up runners who have not passed certain points before specified cut-off times. The more I walk the less likely I’ll finish in less than the maximum allowed time of12 hours. Anxious moments.

I don’t know why exactly, but almost suddenly I am able to run again. It feels good. But it’s still a long way to go.

I talk to other runners. We face the same challenges but address them on our own terms. We look inside for the strength that will take us to the finish line. Enduring friendships are made. Runners open up their arms and hearts. We are all equal. We are privileged guests in other people’s lives; the adversities faced and overcome, the hopes and aspirations. Some people, like Gavin, raise money for charities by running Comrades. Some people dedicate their run to loved ones. For others it is an annual rite of passage, a reawakening of the soul.

By the 60km mark my quadriceps feel like rocks; each step downhill sends a jarring pain to the thighs. Mentally we all put this in a place and carry on. My calves continue their tricks. I’ve been running the race longer than a regular work day and still have almost 30km to run.

Thousands of spectators now line the course into Durban. There are offers of food and drink – this, in addition to the 50 official aid stations placed along the route. At each of these stations there are 175 mls sachets available of water and Energade, a sports drinks, as well as coke-cola and cream soda. Food is provided at the stations – typically bananas, boiled potatoes, and sliced oranges, and sometimes chocolate. Sweet and gooey Gels are also available. These help to replenish electrolytes in your body.

I reach a huge psychological turning point when I pass the ‘21km to go’ marker. A half-marathon. It feels like I’m almost finished. I can see downtown Durban in the distance. Plenty of hills left but I’m getting more optimistic. I keep running and walking. Talking to other runners, and mixing it up with the crowds along the route. I do high fives with dozens of children throughout the day. With several hours on a run you have to mix things up; to keep active mentally.

By now there are many runners pulling up, having done all they could do. It furthers my resolve to finish.

The hills are relentless – up and down. I keep reminding myself why I’m doing this. But I’m within reach. It feels good. With just 5km to go I now realise I can even walk the remaining distance and still be within the 12-hour time limit. Everything I’d committed to and sacrificed seems so incredibly worth it now.

An Irish runner beside me calls his father in Ireland to say he’s going to make it. An emotional moment at both ends of the call. Another runner – Pradeep from Durban – invites me to dinner when I come back (he insists) next year. Wonderful moments.

And then the most emotional moment for many runners – entering the Sahara Kingsmead Cricket Stadium and running the last stretch around to the finish line. I sprint now. I don’t feel any pain. I want to run faster but I want to savour the moment. The Stadium is full of runners, supporters and spectators. They cheer us on. A deafening sound. A Jumbotron screen shows to the entire stadium each runner finishing. I finish and a medal is placed over my head. Wow. I’ve really done it. Days later I still can’t believe it.

I meet up with Gavin, Dawn and others from the running clubs and we watch the closing minutes. Everyone – everyone – is cheering the runners on now. We are all together. A common bond. At the 12-hour point the race will be over. Anyone coming in after 12 hours officially does not complete the race, and does not receive a medal. It’s heartbreaking. Soul destroying. It could’ve easily been me.

In the final minutes some runners are being carried in by others. One man collapses in front of us only to be immediately picked up and supported by others to the finish line. At the 12-hour limit there are still runners entering the stadium. They won’t finish in time. We continue to cheer and applaud. Then the lights go down, the Jumbtron screen goes off, and the commentary finishes. It’s over.

Two runners died at the Comrades run this year. Both in their thirties. It’s suspected they must have had heart conditions. No-one feels good about this. There have only ever been five others that have died since 1921.

I will never forget this experience. I’ve been tested on many levels. I come away with no serious injuries.  I’ve been lucky.

It’s much more than a long run. I’ve been to places in my mind where we don’t go enough. And I shared this with wonderful people. They made it possible. Our lives are full of long runs. It’s who you share these with that makes the difference.

Comrades Race Facts:

The Comrades ultra-marathon began in 1921 to commemorate comrades who died in World War I. It is run in June of every year.

In 2007, 12,006 runners started the race. Just over 10,000 finished.

Leonid Shvetsov of Russia won the 2007 men’s race in a record time of 5 hours and 20 minutes. The Women’s winner was Olesya Nrugalieva, also from Russia, finishing in a time of 6:10.

If you complete 10 Comrades races you get a green number for all future races and effectively ‘own’ your number forever. No-one else will ever run with your number even if you no longer run in the event.